the introudction

i have a name and my own story

this holiday, i'm staying at home most of the time, for a couple of reasons which i think no one will be interested to know. so i shall skip that. yesterday night, i thought for a while. i think about my life. reflections as usual. there are something which change my days, a lot. till now, there will always be this thing that choke me in my throat whenever i think about them. they seem to cast a shadow in me. this is going to be a long post...



i have this story to tell. this old man of mine left my world when i'm 13. my grandfather. he dotes me a lot a lot, i would say the most among my siblings and cousins, when he is still alive. he stays in my house since i was born. he sees me grow up, from starting to speak, to walk, to run, to eat porridge instead of milk, to my nursury days, to my kindergarten, to my primary school, to my sec one and i noe he is still watching me. so our relationship is very close.

i used to play in his room with my sister and at 3 pm when he came back from work, we will pack up and run out of his room, afraid that he will raise his voice at us for messy up his room when he needs a break. he was a big, tall and strong man. his squarish face and those grey straight hair make him look fierce sometimes. he always cooks porridge for me as we teochew, love to eat porridge. he will fry me one or two eggs as side dish. delicious. i teach him ABC when i'm free. both of us will sit in the living room laughing because the way he pronounces them are funny. days after days, he gets weaker. everytime we go to the mama shop downstairs, he will ask if i wan to eat "seng gor" which means ice cream in teochew. i said yes.

i made him fall once and i felt super guilty, because i wanted a cup noodle which is so high up on the shelves. i was too timid to ask the shop owner to help me get it and i ran back to seek for my ah gong's help instead. silly. he went down with me and he tripped.

soon when i start to grow up and he became weaker everyday, i find him irritating and annoying. he repeated his question almost every 5 mins asking if i have eaten. he often ask me to make calls to china, his hometown, and i did it unwillingly. i was bad to him in terms of attitude. i did not eat with him during dinner anymore. we did not laugh like we used to when we sit in the living room. i no longer see his smile neither did he see mine when i'm with him. i hope he could just leave me alone and stop bothering me. and he did.

before he passed away, he was so skinny that i totally could not recognize him. where is my strong and tall ah gong? he became bony and his body coiled in the bed like a baby.he no longer speak well. his hair was gone, leaving that skull beneath his skin. soon he passed away.

one day, my sis told me before my ah gong died, he asked her a question in teochew.
"does ah mei hate me?"

I'm sorry. i do not hate you. i do not.
guilty. ashamed. disappointed. till now that question circled in my head and i could no longer answer him myself.



my second story revolves ard my 2 very good frens, maybe 3. we were very close during secondary school, till sec 4. at that time, my temper is horrible. i have to admit that. i screamed at them whenever i'm pissed by little things. they have to give in. who can really tolerate such a friend? even if i said sorry fast after i vent my anger, what's the point? i slap u and i say sorry...its the same meaning. what is wrong with me?

soon, they all left me, alone. they start to drift away from me, talking behind my back, giving me nicknames, and this make me felt terrible. i became the subject of their conversation, sometimes.

i cried for nights. i blamed them for being so mean.. i blamed everyone who supported them, except myself.i refused to blame myself for being so bad and ridiculous to them. i'm sorry. i tried to change myself for the better after that.
i changed my temper, i swollow anything i can, to prevent such terrible thing to happen again. i kept quiet if possible. i let it go. i don't wan to be left alone again for the same reason. my bad temper.

thanks for giving the lesson, i deserve it. and now i'm glad i changed a little even tho i'll still raise my voice sometimes...i'll continue to change (8



i noe there will be more such happenings gg to come in my future. i'll get to learn more along the way. i hope i get to be a better person by then.

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